if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Panties = found
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
