he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
