Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
