I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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