mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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