Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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