i was born a porn star she said
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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