i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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