i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
