My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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