Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
