You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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