I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
