I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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