I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
