you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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