I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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