So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
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