Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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