we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
