Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
