chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
