so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize