I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
