I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
