i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
