my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
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He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
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You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Someone signed my nipple.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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