if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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