GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You brought string cheese to the strip club
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
