Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
