Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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