My hand turned me down
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
