if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
