I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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