tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
