Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.