he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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