my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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