We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
me + whiskey = a bad person
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
