yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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