i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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