You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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