I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
