First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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