Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
