i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
