the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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