I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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