my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You left your phone here
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