Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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