When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
