If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
