He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
