i think my mom watched the whole time
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
