the condom got lost in my hair
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
