I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
