how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Randomize
