im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How does it feel to date your dad?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
